Whose Voice Are You Listening To?

Drawing by River Niehoff

Do you ever beat yourself up? Say things to yourself that you would never tell someone else? Do you go over situations, actions, inaction and words wishing you could redo them?

I tell myself stories all the time. And sometimes, a lot of times, those stories are filled with loathing, shame and condemnation.

I grew up knowing I wasn’t good enough.

“Your brother and sister are gifted. You’re just average.”
“You’re pretty or cute, but you’re not beautiful.”
“You’re not a good singer.”
“It’s too bad you had a fever and only won vault. You should have been in the top three all-around.” (for the state gymnastics championship.)

I still describe that day in a negative way. I had won sectionals and regionals. I had beaten everyone but the top two, who I had never competed against. I should have at least gotten in the top three. But I had a fever of 102 when I was competing. I was popping baby aspirin and sleeping on the mats between rotations. I was really sick. And I was still the state champion for vault and sixth all-around.

But I don’t hear, “Wow, look at what you did. You were really sick and still won vault and placed sixth. That’s amazing and shows how talented you are competing at such a high level while you were sick. You did something others only dream of accomplishing.”

That’s not what I hear. I hear that I wasn’t good enough. That I blew it. That the love for me was conditional and I just lost some of it because I didn’t perform. I didn’t win.

Over the years, I learned that I’m too much. I’m too loud. I’m too opinionated. I’m too much energy and movement.

I’m a lot and that’s not good.

Healing your inner child, the one who remembers all the hurtful words and actions of your childhood, can be a long and twisted road. Sometimes, it just takes one situation or one conversation to take you back to that place where you are small, literally and figuratively.

Recently, I was sitting in that mental space a great deal and it filled me with self-doubt, frustration with myself and pain. “If only I were….”

I was still in that space on Sunday morning and didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to put on a smile and pretend everything was OK. And that is why it was even more important for me to attend.

I’m glad I did.

One of the songs we sang spoke to me on a deeper level. It’s called, “He Knows My Name.”

Read and hear these words:

Spent today in conversation in the mirror face-to-face with somebody less than perfect.
I wouldn’t choose me first if I was looking for a champion.
In fact, I’d understand if you picked everyone before me.
But that’s just not my story.

True to who you are, you saw my heart and made something out of nothing.

I don’t need my name in lights. I’m famous in my Father’s eyes.
Make no mistake, He knows my name.
I’m not living for applause.
I’m already adored.
It’s all His stage. He knows my name.

I’m not meant to just stay quiet.
I’m meant to be a lion.
I’ll roar beyond a song with every moment that I’ve got.

He calls me chosen.
Free, forgiven, wanted child of the King.
His forever held and treasured.
I am loved.
He knows my name.
He knows my name.

The sermon spoke to me on a deeper level, too. I think Pastor Gary was speaking mostly in societal terms referring to the vitriol and hate that are common rhetoric every time you open social media, listen to the news or hear your neighbors speak. And while I heard Gary’s overarching message, I also took it to heart with the way I speak to myself.

Some key messages included:

·      Pause and listen. What voice are you listening to? If you are listening to hate and violence, it’s not God’s voice.

·      We hear, “You’re not good enough and never will be.” That’s not God’s voice.

·      We think if we achieve enough or do a certain thing, then we’ll be loved. That’s not God’s voice.

·      Slow down and pay attention. Who are you listening to?

·      God is not condemning us, not shaming us. He is calling us to abundant life.

·      If what we hear is not love, mercy, grace and justice, then it’s not God’s voice.

·      We are called by name to follow because we trust God and His love.

I heard the words of the song. I heard the words of the sermon. And I knew that the voice in my head was not kind, loving or filled with grace.

Am I perfect? Far from it.

Do I make mistakes? All the time.

Do I live with regret? 100%.

But I am enough. I am loved. I am good.

God designed each of us perfectly imperfect.

Be well my friends and listen for love, mercy and grace, not hatred and shame.