A Parent’s Dream Note

I’m not going to lie. The last 3.5 years have been really hard with my kids. 

I know how hard the teen years were with my mom. Actually, it was always hard with my mom, so I don’t really know if it was the typical mother-daughter dynamics or just the differences between my mom and me, but I know it was really hard. 

So, I expected it to be hard with my youngest. But, no one can prepare you for how hard the teen years are for everyone. Ours were particularly difficult. Custody hearing (That’s another story, but it was traumatic. Avoid it all costs.), COVID, moving twice in the high school years, general high school angst, my accident, my son and his growing independence and life in general. 

When we moved in Finn’s* sophomore year, in the middle of the pandemic, because of my job situation, it was very difficult. I broke Finn’s trust (for very good reason) and they no longer shared anything with me. They cut me off. They stopped saying, “I love you.” 

For years. 

I’ve heard “I love you” five times in the last three years from Finn. I say, “I love you” A LOT! I always have. 

The five times were:

When I was in my accident. 

When my mom died. 

When I lost my job due to my TBI. 

When I dropped Finn off at college. 

A few nights ago at 1:30 a.m. via text. 

I’ve done plenty wrong and I won’t detail it all here, but Finn didn’t feel like they could say “I love you,” and mean it. So, they didn’t. When you love your children more than yourself, it’s hard to not have that love reciprocated. (Note, it’s not healthy to love your children more than yourself.)

And then, the other morning, I woke up to this beautiful text from Finn. 

“I love you. I’m fine. I just wanted to tell you that.”

Being a parent is excruciatingly difficult. Watching Finn navigate the teen years and suffer has been like having my heart torn to pieces each day because of their pain and not knowing how to make it stop for them. I would have gladly taken it on as my own if I could have. 

So, getting a totally unsolicited text like this in the middle of the night for no reason is cause for celebration. 

I don’t know what you are going through. You may or may not have children. Yours may be sailing along swimmingly. You may hear, “I love you” each time you say it, but if you don’t, if your life and relationships with your teenagers and young adults feel torn, battered and in shambles, you aren’t alone. I may only hear “I love you” when life deals me difficulties again for the next three years (I really hope not), but knowing that Finn sent this because they just wanted me to know, makes those hard moments so much better. 

If you are facing an empty nest or just want to talk about parenting young adults, Queens of Moxie is for you. I have free monthly workshops and mixers. Plus, I provide one-on-one coaching and a group program. I want to be there with you on this journey. When I say, “I’ve been there and understand,” I mean it. Let me know if I can help. 

*Finn prefers they/them pronouns.